I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.