Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Bobby pin
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.