Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!