Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.