“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it