Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.