My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.