It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.