Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
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“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
i will not be silenced
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
going to the ER y’all need anything
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.