My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
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This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
No chill.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
very niche meme I made
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.