I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
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The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
*ernest hemingway voice*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.