I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”