Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
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Acronyms got me like WTF?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.