As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.