ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT