Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
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Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
fly smarter, not harder
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.