Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Feels like the fourth month in January
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”