Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
They’re stuck in your pants?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Lmao 🤣
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.