Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
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your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
HELP 😭
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.