We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t