You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best