eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
He wanted to make sure😂
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no