“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
This meal prepping shit easy
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.