I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
i choose….tongue
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.