OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.