BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
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My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.