The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
You Might Also Like
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.