You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*