Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
me: my friends:
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website