Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.