I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*offers Batman cough drops*
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.