Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
こいつ天才
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.