I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Twitter remains undefeated
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement