Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Nothing to do, you say?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”