Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
happy valentine’s day to me
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?