Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…