ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
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[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”