Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
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I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
This week’s mood.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”