Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
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[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂