*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.