Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
You Might Also Like
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
My birth announcement for our third baby
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
when you don’t want to be too vague
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*