Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
lol
B
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I have many caverns