got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
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I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills