A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
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Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard