The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
how to market bottled water to dads
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*