Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.