Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo