Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
valentines day should involve pi帽atas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i鈥檓 so embarrassed. i can鈥檛 be seen getting into this car. i鈥檓 running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 馃檨 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect鈥攕he鈥檚 got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that鈥檚 right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
my back wasn鈥檛 made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I didn鈥檛 really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves鈥nly to realize I鈥檓 not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side