INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.