me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise